We recently discovered that presidential candidate Max Gersch rejects the commonly accepted fact that the moon is a natural satellite of the Earth. Gersch has also been revealed to be an avid member of the flat earth society. He rose to the rank of co-chairman in the organization and was prompted to speak publicly before the group.

 

On Sunday, December 31st, Gersch was preparing to speak at the Flat Earth Society’s (FES) New Year’s Rave in Waxahachie, TX. In accordance with the prestige of this event, we sent our top correspondent, Mira Romberg, to partake in and report on said rave.

 

    While at the rave, Romberg witnessed Gersch’s extraordinarily idiosyncratic speech. Gersch pontificated his theories pertaining to everything from Chinese lunar spy bases to the “true” shape of the Earth.

 

    Gersch stated, “They’re up there, I tell you. The Chinese are spying on us with their fancy technologies on their so-called ‘moon’ and stuff.” Here he refers to his radical belief that the moon is not a celestial body, but rather a superstructure erected by the Chinese above the United States used solely for espionage and sedition. “Don’t even git me started on this ‘moon’ some of my stupid voters believe in. It’s a Chinese hoax, I tell y’all!” he continued.

 

    The crowd erupted with thunderous applause as Gersch proceeded to expound more of his fanatical speculations: “I can prove the Earth ain’t round; on my way here, I looked out the plane window and it looked pretty flat to me!”

 

This is a real double-whammy on Gersch’s campaign. Not only is he an integral part of the Flat Earth Society, but he also does not believe in the moon.

 

    As soon as his speech concluded, the lights dimmed and a DJ booth descended from the ceiling amid a spectacular pyrotechnic display. Pulsating music roared from the building as the members of the FES raved into the night to celebrate the coming year and their newly anointed candidate.

 

    Mira had fun.