‘The Godmother’: Herscowitz Unmasked
By Mira Romberg and Landon Warner
Eva Herscowitz, candidate for president, has recently been discovered to be running the Fettucini Mafia and involved in numerous illegal activities.
On December 2nd, one of our Journalists, who was reporting on Ms. Herscowitz’s leisure activities, spotted the candidate stepping out of a black town car. A few moments later, two bodyguards, each dressed in black, accompanied her into a high-end jewelry store. After a short while, she emerged from the store wearing diamond-studded brass knuckles, the preferred weapon of the Fettucine Mafia.
Curious about this issue, we decided to dispatch our investigative team to look into this scandal. One of our journalists went undercover as a pasta salesman in order to meet with D’Angelo of the Capelli Mob, a sister organization to the Fettucini Mafia, and the Fettucines’ liaison to the Capellis, Alfredo Fettucine.
Once in Cleveland, our journalist covertly recorded their conversation and the truth uncovered is shocking. One section of the transcript reads as follows:
JOURNALIST: So you guys wouldn’t know about this Herscowitz lady? I hear she’s your cousin or something Alfredo?
ALFREDO: Cousin? She’s my boss, man!
D’ANGELO: Ay! Why are you tellin’ this guy this stuff! We barely know ‘em!
ALFREDO: Don’t worry about it he’s one of us. We in the pasta business stick together. Right?
JOURNALIST: You got it. But hey, why is she runnin’ for President with all this dirt on her.
ALFREDO: Well ya see, no one’s ever gonna find out about what she does behind closed doors… And anyways, once she gets into office she’ll slash regulations on our illegal pasta imports and even help us smooth over our other criminal activities.
JOURNALIST: Wow! Sounds like now’s the time to start doing business with y’all.
ALFREDO: You’ll be sleepin’ with the fishes if ya don’t!
JOURNALIST: Umm…. what?
ALFREDO: We’ll feed ya to our sharks in spaghetti form, like we did to our last snitches.
JOURNALIST: *gulp*
Over the next three days, through intense surveillance, we have confirmed that Eva Herscowitz is running the Fettucine Mafia along with her cousin Alfredo. Security camera footage obtained from an anonymous source appears to show both Hercowitz and Alfredo Fettucine entering the famed Italian restaurant, The Spicy Meatball, with briefcases, and then exiting ten minutes later without them. From this evidence, it is reasonable to infer this event was related to an illegal transfer of exotic pastas.
According to Cleveland Police Chief Andre Hudson, “[The Cleveland Police Department] has known about the Fettucines and their activity for years. We’ve just never been able to track down their leader. Alfredo has been on our radar, but we thought he was a dead end.”
We asked Mr. Hudson about the devastation that pasta smuggling has brought to Cleveland: “The Fettucines’ smuggling of illegal pastas has crippled the local pasta producers of Cleveland. Every Italian restaurant is buying exotic pastas from the Fettucines,” he said.
Eva Herscowitz, recent winner of six out of eight interest groups, appears to be instrumental in shady dealings involving illegal activities. Not only this, she appears to be running the operations and planning on implementing a patronage system to aid her mafia if she gets into office.