10 Steps to Become a Dictator Overnight
By Mira Romberg and Landon Warner
A newly uncovered notebook from candidate Azraf Khan details his plans to subvert our democracy. He entitled his plans “10 Steps to Become a Dictator Overnight”
On the afternoon of December 14th, we received this in the mail from an anonymous official within the Khan campaign. This notebook contained Khan’s signature written on the front page, and the pages that followed outlined his step-by-step plan to seize absolute power through an apparent military coup followed by dissolution of Congress.
Unsure of the validity of this notebook, we enlisted Reid Quill, a forensic handwriting analyst, to corroborate the claims of Khan’s handwritten plan. When asked of his conclusion, Quill stated, “There is no doubt in my mind that this text was written by Khan himself. All the crossed ‘T’s and dotted ‘I’s point to Khan.”
Unsatiated with only one expert opinion, we decided to send the text to a forensic DNA analysis lab. In their official report, they vividly described Khan’s DNA as being “all over the place.”
To quell our island of doubt in a sea of undeniable evidence, one of our very own journalists conducted a meeting in secret with our previously anonymous source. We were told that Khan had been seen on numerous occasions carrying a suspicious pink book, and was allegedly very protective of it. Our source “could not live with [herself] if [she] knowingly allowed a tyrant to take power.” She appeared to be overcome with moral crisis. “He never let anyone touch it and always tried to hide it.”
In his now infamous pink notebook, Khan details his plans to convert our democratic system into a full-blown authoritarian dictatorship: he plans to take the election by storm. Steps one and two briefly explain his plot to create bipartisan support by incorporating both conservative and progressive policies into his campaign.
By step three, his plan becomes more specific. His third step outlines his intent to remove a clause from the Armed Forces oath of enlistment. This deleted clause just so happens to include a pledge to defend the Constitution from all enemies “foreign and domestic”. While this change is unprecedented it does not provide evidence beyond a reasonable doubt that he is planning a coup. His following steps swiftly suppress this doubt.
Step four involves using his bipartisan popularity to persuade congress to grant him emergency military powers. He plans to use “whatever pointless skirmish the US is involved in at that time” as reason for his new powers.
Eventually, he wants to generate loyalty to himself rather than a sense of duty to country. Step five details plans to have all federal government employees pledge their allegiance solely to Khan.
Finally, he plans on raiding the Capitol with military police and seizing control of both houses. He will “relieve all congressmen of their burdensome duties.” In order to “continue the facade of democracy,” he plans on appointing “representatives” of each state to Congress. These “representatives” will be “completely loyal” to Khan alone.
After passing all legislation and constitutional amendments to cement his permanence in office, Khan plans on finally dissolving congress and appointing himself “Supreme Leader of the United States.”
We were shaken to the bone by these revelations. Democracy dies with Khan.
#NoWeKhant