We have learned that Katherine Sylvester has spent an exorbitant amount of campaign funds on an online auction for what was purported to be the Krabby Patty formula from the popular children’s cartoon Spongebob Squarepants.
It was recently revealed to us, from an anonymous source within the Sylvester campaign, that Sylvester herself has a peculiar, juvenile obsession with the TV show Spongebob Squarepants. We have been told that Sylvester has missed important meetings in order to view aired episodes in real time. Sylvester did not even attend her own cousin’s wedding due to the Nickelodeon Spongebob Marathon that happened to be taking place at the same time as that once in a lifetime event.
Her obsession is so disruptive that she spent nearly $30,000, including funds from the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, on an eBay listing entitled “KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA!!!: 100% REAL (NO SCAM)”. The listing included an image of a worn parchment scroll enclosed in a glass bottle.
According to our source, Sylvester also spent campaign funds to have her home renovated to make room for an elaborate steel vault in order to keep the formula “safe”.
Our source also told us that Katherine uncontrollably quotes Spongebob Squarepants at every opportunity, even in inappropriate circumstances. During a phone call with one of their top donors John McCain, McCain said “Hello. Is this Katherine Sylvester?” to which she responded, “No, this is Patrick!”
In addition to Sylvester’s reprehensible expenditure of campaign funds, we now understand that Sylvester believes the events of the show to be based in reality. The fact that she would believe that this scroll was the real Krabby Patty formula is cause for hesitance alone, but it is even more worrying that she spent such an excessive amount of money to satiate her hunger for Spongebob Squarepants memorabilia.
Ravioli Ravioli Give Me the Forumuoli
By Mira Romberg and Landon Warner